http://MitchiLeaks.com/2010We have hacked into the computers in the Mitchell household (six which is not nearly as stupid a number as TVs (18) or skis (60+) although Billy Bags would no doubt argue he was a ski instructor and cable guy long before he was an internet guy to rationalize them) and extracted the absolute dumbest emails/letters of the year. Check out this collection of deeply buried correspondences:
Dear Dartmouth President Kim,
Why has this become the year that Dartmouth combines a parent’s GPA with their child’s to determine if the senior makes Phi Beta Kappa? Our daughter has had an incredible 4 years but will lose out because I blew off too many classes in The Building of the Atomic Bomb in 1976? Captain of the Womens Club Lacrosse team, member of a sorority AND a fraternity, champion Beer Pong player; she can do so many things I never could. Why? Can’t we get this rescinded now that she is working for Wyman Worldwide in Rwanda, helping bring quality health care to African villages and writing a blog at www.eligoesaroundtheworld.blogspot.com? …WHM
Check out this outrageous request by Bray:
Dear Continental,
Can you please send us a Frequent Flyer number for our dog Elle? She travels with me all the time to our new RENTAL HOUSE (3 TVs) ON A GOLF COURSE in Fort Myers. If I had a frequent flyer number I would take her to Berlin or London when I visit there with my groomer, or perhaps even take her to Ethiopia when I visit there each year to help out Selamta.org. It would be really helpful if I had this by February when we go to Berlin to visit our daughter who will come up on vacation from Rwanda, followed by my fifth trip to Ethiopia. I’m going to help train the kids how to use sewing machines. By the way if you would like to help pay for sewing machines for this project, you can send me a check for $160* per sewing machine…DBM
James got into the act on his Facebook page this fall:
MitchellPalooza 8 is around the corner. Sure my Mom is in town but she will be in bed by 12. It’s my first trip back to Hanover since moving to Dallas to work for Robert Half and I am psyched to see everyone. Rugby down here has gotten me in shape for the Turkey Bowl, and the party with Eli Skyping-in should be great. Bring $5 for my mother’s sewing machine project. ($700 raised)…JWM
Here’s a letter from Goucher College which we think may have been forged:
Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell,
Can you please send John back to Baltimore? The school he taught at last spring is crying out for him. He did such a great job with the Art and Math classes. We miss him down here and he could finish up his Masters much easier than in if he stayed in Hanover watching your house and “guarding” your beer pong tables. …Goucher President
Matched by….
Bray and Bill,
Thanks so much for letting John work with us at Dan and Whit’s General Store while he works on his paper for his Masters. Everyone in Norwich loves him. We can see he wasn’t born in NH. …Dan Frasier
Can you believe this was sent out?
Dear Sun Valley Police Department:
Enclosed please find a check for $50. Please let my usher and Dartmouth classmate Harry Griffith park in the handicapped spot near the bottom of Baldy. He is getting old and he really can’t walk back from the hill too far after dominating everyone on the steeps. We had a great visit there in March, and this is our tribute to his prowess. …WHM
Here’s a failing business model…
Mr. Mitchell,
No, we will not sell you a $200 parking pass for a lot at Cowboy Stadium today. We can’t print parking passes online cuz this is Texas. When you visit in tomorrow, September 19, to see your son in his Dallas job as a recruiter, visit his apartment with pool and take his friend Kira to dinner, please park over by the Rangers stadium and park for $5 and walk to the game (unless you wake up at 6am and arrive by 7am and convince the “guards” you belong in the RV lot there in which case it’s free )…Jerry Jones
Check this gem out of Bray’s Gmail account (dbraymitch@gmail.com) …
Karen Reeves,
Please don’t let Bruce come to Hanover unescorted. When he came in June with the family for the Class of 1980’s 30th reunion, it was fine since you were with him and he behaved. Plus it was helpful to donate our Porch to the Thursday night kick-off celebration. However he came back without you in October to visit son Billy (Dartmouth ’14) and it was a mess. He kept Billy out way too late, and he dragged all these co-eds back to the house for Billy’s peanut butter and jelly omelets. We just can’t sustain this drag on the eco-system. …DBM
We found this on the inbound messages:
Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell,
We wanted to alert you that we have put the following citizens on the Must Watch list for consorting with you: Odence (Gatekeeping at Winter Carnival), Griffith/Barshack (Speeding on Exhibition in Sun Valley), Klingons (Dancing to I’m a Believer at Ricks on LBI), Weil/Sweatts/Dougie (Lake nights), Eldred (Midnight WaterSkiing), Engels (Dancing at Hair onstage…See Facebook), Reeves/Grossman/Morris (PB&JOmlets at reunion), Ross (American Idol), Lovejoys (that lead singer knows the words to Build Me Up Buttercup now!), Bartolotta wedding (Hold that bus!), Barb Holch/Vicki Corse (travelling to a party eh?), Archdeacons (Getting Bray’s rental business going), Freas (Florida highlight), Conklings 50th Anniversary (Nice Head 360s Sam) …TSA Security
Finally….
Bray, why the hell can’t we win a friggin Lottery? You keep picking these numbers up (797979 as a tribute to our Class winning its 5th Class of the Year Award this year) but it may be time to change. I know you are honored to have been adopted by our Class, but we might want to consider a random selection. If we win I know we will be able to pay for all our friends to come to our 30th Anniversary in May which won’t have to be in Newark. At our wedding the over/under would have been 30 weeks….which wasn’t a bad bet as an under, just a loser…we need to have a party for this…like the 5th with Fogcutters….WHM
Cheers Ya’ll
Mitchell Family Holiday Card 